What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:24
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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He knew the spot.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why am I attracted to older men?
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But it wasn’t much.
She was in good health!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Ive learnt so much.
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I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We were not on the streets..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
When she asked me how she looked .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
This is soul school!.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i lived it daily.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
All the time i was locked up.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I don,t even have a pension.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What did i know ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So, i spoilt her more .
I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.